Staying positive isn’t easy unless you’re very, very stupid. If that’s the case, see below*. But, for the rest of us, maintaining a positive perspective can be as easy as writing a fun children’s story or running for President if you’re Donald trump. Just make up some pretend, crazy stuff and commit to it. I can do that. I did it yesterday.
The best news of the day may have been that I found out my cat, Nelson, is a computer genius! When I left the room he removed four keys from my new computer!
Now, I’ll fix the TV
He must have been trying to hack it. I’ll know when an amazon order of cat treats and machine guns arrives. I got one key back on. Maybe I’m a computer genius or a cat. That doesn’t even make sense.
More goodness, the Dog Park, I take Gretel to may get a thirty thousand dollar makeover. Actually, it would be fifteen thousand after half goes to the obese dogs park. I hope I’m being politically correct in how I say that. There’s nothing wrong with being a plus size dog. Lots of owners enjoy enormous poops and the excitement of potential maulings.
Anyway, fingers crossed fifteen thousand dollars will cover all the changes needed to bring the park to safety standards that comply with the law. Here are some of my ideas.
1) Remove high voltage towers buzzing above park
2) Lower crime rate around park – Although keeping it positive, Gretel has enjoyed getting to see so m any arrests while doing her business.
3) Remove all wires protruding from ground. Also, remove all shattered glass in surrounding wasteland. I mean field.
4) Post a full time Psychiatric team at gate to assess dog owners for mental illness before entering park (Becky!)
5) Grow some grass where there is now just sand (if sand equal electrically charged dog poo)
Please don’t make me get off chair.
I could go on forever about the positive changes to the dog park coming up but some of the keys on my computer keep popping off as I type. More good thoughts later!
*Enjoy a nice dish of pudding! Now, life is great!
To take this look from day to night, dress it up with black pleather leggings, shooties and a sleek silver ear cuff. Or, add a floral skirt, wedge sandals and a rose gold cuff for brunch with your bitches!
Looky me! I’m doing Nia!
Uhm…I do teach it but I’m not totally sure. It’s dancey. Fun. Silly, Sensual. Weird. Here’s a brief description I told someone about Nia, “There’s this one part where we dance around like robots. We shake it and say ‘Mee Ma Meep Beep’. It frees your spirit while tightening your…Wait! We don’t have to say ‘Ma Meep Ba Beep Beep’…Where you going?” Anyway, other pieces of Nia are more tribal or gentle and flowy. We stretch. We dance. We sweat. We make noise. We work it creative freedom style. Jade Apple Yoga in North Hollywood 5:15pm Mondays and Wednesdays and The Springs in downtown L.A. 10:30am Sundays. Also, at my place 3am random days (this event by appointment only).
I had a blast a the DMV. Seriously, the DMV in Thousand Oaks is pretty nice as far as DMVs go. I asked the woman next to me in line to take this picture but it didn’t make us friends. It might have even made her stand a little further away which I also consider a win!
I’m on the Professor Blastoff Podcast! It’s a great podcast Tig Notaro, Kyle Dunnigan and David Huntsberger do! I’m a big fan of PB and these comics. Check it out! I’m talking about how I had to get a Pacemaker. Hilarious!..and also not. You’ll love Kyle’s meditation!
Look at all the purty colors!
If you want to look like you like books but actually hate books so much you don’t even want them in your home, this product is for you. Sure, sure, you could get some actual books and not read them but that would be almost like you supported literacy. And yes, it would be cheaper to buy used books but what if your child noticed they were real, read one and started thinking and shit? That would super suck. Better get these fake ones. Decorating tip – They look dope next to your real gun!
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Tagged books, products
Sand – Throw it someone’s eyes and they won’t see your imperfections as clearly
Don’t just wear dark colors- Hang out in the dark, pitch dark – bonus -you’ll save on electricity!
Use properly placed poop sachets to make others smell bad. Perfume is expensive. Poop is free and sometimes plentiful. Other times not so much.
Eat more fiber- See previous tip
Draw attention to your best feature – Use a sharpie and make an arrow. Don’t be subtle.
Cover yourself with dirt and tell people you’re from the forest. You get cut a lot of slack when you live in a forest.
Hot Robot! Please Unplug.
2XL(funny and adorable -me if I was a robot)
C-3PO (Very polite – if Downton Abbey had a robot it would be C3PO or any of the stiff white characters currently on the show)
Rotating G-Spot Rabbit Pearl Vibrator
Toaster that runs away fom Chewbacca