I Hate Babies


You may have noticed that occasionally in my musings on anything from politics to pie I will create an opportunity to, with some wit, hurl an insult at babies.

Just for the record, no joke, I don’t like babies. My animus for babies started when I first met one. An adoring circle of intelligent adults surrounded what I can only describe as a pooping and crying machine (with admittedly a lot of future potential). When asked if I wanted to hold the baby I responded, “NO”, which was interpreted as, ” Oh yes! Please!” Here’s a note to parents that you may want to use later with your three year old… You know what no means…

Truly, I don’t want to hold your baby. Babies don’t melt my heart. They’re amoebas whose only skill is sucking. I like bigots more than babies. at least bigots are expressive. I mean Mel Gibson has made a few good movies. Think of how crappy all those Lethal Weapon movies would have been if a two month old had played Mel’s part or been 1987’s sexiest man alive.

Puppies are adorable, fish are pretty and that little polar cub Flocke may someday brutally maul his human care givers but for now he’s all sweetness. 

Did you ever ponder the fact that God made women’s oxytotocin surge as soon as they have a baby. Even God knows that the mom is going to need the baby to provide an oxycontin type fix in order to love it.


God’s only son had all his diapers changed by Mary and Joseph. Maybe God doesn’t like babies.
Have I gone too far?
Who cares? Babies can’t read or retaliate. (I am afraid of mothers.) So, I’ll end with these three points.

1) I do like from toddler on.
2) Old people are kinda cute.


3) I reserve the right to take all this back when I have my own baby.

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