I received yet another email regarding my post “I Hate Babies”. It is by far the nicest.
“What the HELL is the matter with YOU, you disgusting pile of crap? How could you hate babies? I’m sorry, it’s just, OK, not everyone has to like babies, but I have NEVER met a person who ABSOLUTELY HATES THEM! Reading that post makes me sick to my stomach.”
I appreciate that the writer says, “I’m sorry”. That makes me think this message did not come from a baby because a baby would never apologize since they do not have language skills and are total dicks. They also don’t read, furthering my suspicion that it was not a baby who sent this angry note. They do whine a lot and sometimes they probably get sick to their stomachs but that is not enough for me to believe an infant wrote this.
Maybe I don’t hate babies…No wait, I think I do. Really they’re my least favorite form of person what with all their pooping, crying and busting out of women’s vaginas like it’s some kind of convenient baby door. Nothing 6-10 pounds should be coming out of there. I have one and it’s very small. Tiny. I pee steam. When I get hot, it whistles. True story.
Who planned for a live creature with a cartoonishly large cranium to burst through my lady parts like my labia are the doors to some ole timey saloon?
I’ll tell you who made that plan! God.
My bad. I don’t hate babies. I hate God. Now, every one feels good.