Fuck Stripes!

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This month’s cover of Lucky magazine is giving me a case of the barfs brought on by the case of the uglies worn by the “thin in a way you’re not” Katherine McPhee. She’s lovely but the stripes on virtually all shirts got to go. It’s urgent. They’re now spilling on to pants and skirts. You heard me! Stripes are coming for your thighs, bitches. And I mean horizontal ones.

But I get it. Every single fashion designer alive happened upon a striped fabric sale they couldn’t resist. But when will this shiteous trend stop? If I see one more fashion spread of a maritime inspired striped T paired with a horizontally striped sequined pencil skirt, I’m going to punch Sarah Jessica Parker, Alexa Chung, Emma Roberts…. Wait, the list is too long to mention names. If you’re not a zebra and I catch you in stripes, you better duck.

By all visuals laws known to man a thickly striped shirt widens. Never mind that my eyes just don’t like broad, horizontal stripes. You don’t have to trust my aesthetic. Trust the law. Stripes weren’t used for prisoner’s jump suits because they’re flattering. Stripes were part of the punishment.

Okay, okay, it was my poop.

So, let’s get rid of these fashion fatteners. Just like the banks who fucked us, let’s give a pass to designers who’ve been shitting out stripes on our apparel like they’ve got some crazy nautically inspired case of diarrhea. Let’s all admit that liberally applying broad white and x color striped shirts to America’s obesity epidemic is like pouring salt in the wound of our hypertension epidemic which was caused by our obesity epidemic. Painful.

Designers, Don’t worry. You can keep the myriad bolts of striped fabric for future shirts. Fortunately for you, due to America’s Diabetes epidemic your customers will be blind soon. But until then, knock it off with the stripes.

Lastly – China, I’ve got my eye on you. You both own us and make our clothes. Your victory is eminent. Don’t rub it in. No lead, no stripes, no shit. Stop being cruel.

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