Learn ABCs, Pass Kindergarten, Win Oscar

Quvenzhane, you did a great job. Academy? Turn your thinkers on! When the most celebrated work in your field is accomplished by a six year old, your field is either wetting the bed or acting. And that makes acting look stupid. It makes it look like…well, I guess acting.

That dog from The Artist was amazing. Where’s that bitch’s Oscar?

More pills and liquor please!

And I wanted to believe in Meryl Streep’s talent but apparently her job can be done just as well by a six year old or a Jack Russel.

No other field is like this. Guess who won’t win the AMA’s Doctor of The Year Award? A six year old.  A six year old won’t even get to be one of Walmart’s many Employees of the week… Because Walmart has standards…not many but apparently, more than Hollywood.

Maybe you think the nomination makes sense because your kid seems so dumb. It’s tough to admit that your eight year old still won’t use a fork when someone else’s kid is doing press junkets, lunching at The Chateau and being fitted for a tiny Prada gown. Trust me. Your lil genius can pretend shit better than anyone or you wouldn’t be buying that fork crap. All kids are actors…not actors that deserve awards but talented and manipulative con artists.

I don’t think it’s kind to the child. It’s a lot of pressure. If she wins, isn’t it all down hill from there? “You peaked at six. Bummer.” But here’s the real test… Is it okay if we nominate a five year old for a razzie? What if they really sucked?.. Nope. We can’t. But if we could…

I don't care if you're a chicken! I wanna talk to my agent!

One fun thing –

And The Oscar Goes To…A name Collin Firth can’t pronounce.

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