Am I Ready To Rock?

I’m looking for a job. So, I spent a ton of time thinking up names for a Band -just in case I learn to play an instrument, start a band and the band gets a job playing at sold out stadiums. (Super Bowl 2014, call me). Need to think up choreography that won’t make me over sweat. Here are the top names for my band so far…

We're all dead now.

Itty Bitty Fatso Band

Lap Band Band

Hooker Ageout

Penelope and The Fuckapolypse

Not Your Daughter’s Band

U2 (still looking into legal issues on this one)

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Is It Weird To Make Posey Still Wear This?

Does this jacket make me look like I'm going to murder you?

I mean, it kind of works for Valentine’s Day, right? Plus, she totally loves it! Look at her face! All peaced out.

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Don’t Wear Spanx To A Rave

Also, stop saying rave.

Don't let my smile fool you. No amount of Booze, pills, snuff and Rolos can help me relax.

Hard to feel free if I’m having to hike  up hard core control tops mid my Hypnotech, Amoebacon, Psytrancey, Funktrotting, Spacelullish Dongstep  (new genre I’m originating).

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Penelope on The Koz Effect, Friday 2/1 at 7PM.

Penelope will be on The Koz Effect on Friday, February 1st at 7PM.

Comics discussing politics. Don’t miss it!

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This Isn’t 40…

…unless you’re married with children. Then, wow! It sucks to be you. Please accept my apology for looking so well rested and sexy. If I knew you were all depressed, neutered and farty, I would have toned down my glow.

This Is 40

So yes. I enjoyed the movie. It was like Les Mis with more jerks, less frenchiness and a much better sound track that has more than one song.

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Sneaker Wedges. The Gateway drug back to adolescence.

Storm Trooping my way to popularity... I hope.

 

So excited about the sneaker wedges I ordered. They’re super cool and good for my feet. Dr. Oz says so. Actually, it was Dr. Jay. Same diff. Gotta sext. Sexting totally goes with sneaker wedges. ;)

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Learn ABCs, Pass Kindergarten, Win Oscar

Quvenzhane, you did a great job. Academy? Turn your thinkers on! When the most celebrated work in your field is accomplished by a six year old, your field is either wetting the bed or acting. And that makes acting look stupid. It makes it look like…well, I guess acting.

That dog from The Artist was amazing. Where’s that bitch’s Oscar?

More pills and liquor please!

And I wanted to believe in Meryl Streep’s talent but apparently her job can be done just as well by a six year old or a Jack Russel.

No other field is like this. Guess who won’t win the AMA’s Doctor of The Year Award? A six year old.  A six year old won’t even get to be one of Walmart’s many Employees of the week… Because Walmart has standards…not many but apparently, more than Hollywood.

Maybe you think the nomination makes sense because your kid seems so dumb. It’s tough to admit that your eight year old still won’t use a fork when someone else’s kid is doing press junkets, lunching at The Chateau and being fitted for a tiny Prada gown. Trust me. Your lil genius can pretend shit better than anyone or you wouldn’t be buying that fork crap. All kids are actors…not actors that deserve awards but talented and manipulative con artists.

I don’t think it’s kind to the child. It’s a lot of pressure. If she wins, isn’t it all down hill from there? “You peaked at six. Bummer.” But here’s the real test… Is it okay if we nominate a five year old for a razzie? What if they really sucked?.. Nope. We can’t. But if we could…

I don't care if you're a chicken! I wanna talk to my agent!

One fun thing –

And The Oscar Goes To…A name Collin Firth can’t pronounce.

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Penelope’s Podcasts

This month Penelope is sharing her adventures at Burning Man on the Story Worthy Podcast. It’s available on iTunes, too.

Penelope will also be on The Koz Effect on Sunday, 1/27 at 8PM. Comics discussing politics. Don’t miss it!

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Fuck Stripes!

Trending Wide

This month’s cover of Lucky magazine is giving me a case of the barfs brought on by the case of the uglies worn by the “thin in a way you’re not” Katherine McPhee. She’s lovely but the stripes on virtually all shirts got to go. It’s urgent. They’re now spilling on to pants and skirts. You heard me! Stripes are coming for your thighs, bitches. And I mean horizontal ones.

But I get it. Every single fashion designer alive happened upon a striped fabric sale they couldn’t resist. But when will this shiteous trend stop? If I see one more fashion spread of a maritime inspired striped T paired with a horizontally striped sequined pencil skirt, I’m going to punch Sarah Jessica Parker, Alexa Chung, Emma Roberts…. Wait, the list is too long to mention names. If you’re not a zebra and I catch you in stripes, you better duck.

By all visuals laws known to man a thickly striped shirt widens. Never mind that my eyes just don’t like broad, horizontal stripes. You don’t have to trust my aesthetic. Trust the law. Stripes weren’t used for prisoner’s jump suits because they’re flattering. Stripes were part of the punishment.

Okay, okay, it was my poop.

So, let’s get rid of these fashion fatteners. Just like the banks who fucked us, let’s give a pass to designers who’ve been shitting out stripes on our apparel like they’ve got some crazy nautically inspired case of diarrhea. Let’s all admit that liberally applying broad white and x color striped shirts to America’s obesity epidemic is like pouring salt in the wound of our hypertension epidemic which was caused by our obesity epidemic. Painful.

Designers, Don’t worry. You can keep the myriad bolts of striped fabric for future shirts. Fortunately for you, due to America’s Diabetes epidemic your customers will be blind soon. But until then, knock it off with the stripes.

Lastly – China, I’ve got my eye on you. You both own us and make our clothes. Your victory is eminent. Don’t rub it in. No lead, no stripes, no shit. Stop being cruel.

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LES MISERABLES, LES 99%, LES I GIVE UP ALREADY!

No see Les Mis! Jus puts me down!

Not having hairball. Just saw Les Mis.

Skip the popcorn. You’ll do better with a large buttered assortment of pills to throw back for this never feel good again masterpiece. Spoiler Alert- there is no tap dancing… or God. On the other hand we’re supposed to believe there’s a heaven and a kindly Priest who doesn’t touch anybody in a creepy way. But none of that fooled me. I was rooting for the hero to accidentally get killed and not just because I had to pee. By the time Hugh Jackman was wading through a river of feces and corpses…Hold on, I’m going to be sick. My point is a musical shouldn’t make you barf. That’s what the Bravo network is for. And a musical shouldn’t make you feel hopeless. That’s what Congress is for.
Les Miserables? You’ve gone too far. Tout miserables. Yes, you’re a tour de despair full of remarkable performances and visuals that are stunning. You know what’s also stunning? After listening to one song for a half a day I still can’t hum it. Maybe it’s the pills.
Please consider these alt titles…
Les What Happens With No Medicare
Les Hope You Like This Song Cuz It Lasts 3 Hours
Les They Had 1-800-Dentist During The French Revolution?
Annie (If Daddy Warbucks Had Been An Abusive Pimp)
Les Wisconsin 2030
Les At Least It’s Not Cats
Les Uhhh, Merry Christmas..?
Les Psst, I’m Going To Run To The Ladies Room To Kill Myself. Tell Me What Happens. No Wait, Please Don’t.

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