WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU FEEL SHITEOUS

I’ve been noticing that in few vulnerable moments when I engage in a mini weeping festival of heart ache and or personal panic many “friends” will tell me I need to to be of service to others or volunteer. Oh. Okay. Should I wipe the food stains off my stinky dirty night shirt and dry my tears of just get out there and start building houses for the homeless this second? Seriously, mid-cry is a tough time for me to get told I’m an asshole because I’m not delivering a meal on wheels right that second. Recently, when I was at the end of yet another rope of crap I called a friend and she kept saying “If you have time to feel sorry for yourself, you must have time to give blood.” She kept demanding to know why I wasn’t giving blood until I finally screamed, “Bitch, the Redcross hasn’t opened in my apartment since this call started. Shut The Hell Up!!” And frankly, that did make me feel a little better. Also, I haven’t heard from her recently so, mission accomplished. But here is my suggestion for doing something uplifting and still giving while actually in your boo-hoo moment…Just send one nice email to a friend. “Hey, I was just reflecting on what a sexy princess of hotness you are”. Make sure this message goes to a close friend or you’ll have a date you may not have wanted. If you send it seventeen times you may even have a restraining order against you. Funny how something that is nice when delivered once is NOT seventeen times nicer when delivered seventeen times. Science is weird. Now, I’ll be serious for a minute…Go ahead and be lovey. Be warm. Heap some sweetness on a friend. It’s a little silly and you might feel like a preschool teacher but openly cherishing a friend is a gift…even if you both laugh a little. I’ll do it today and report back.

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PTV: Penelope TV

All the top hits from Penelope!
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New Video from Uncle Gay & Aunt Bitter!

Enjoy some new video from Penelope and Tony!
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“Not Your Daughter’s Jeans” – Your Grandma’s.

WTF Oprah? I finally ordered a pair of NYDJ and not only do they not “cut my butt in half” they practically come with a walker.

This isn't even my scooter.

Not Your Daughter's Rascal Scooter

For years I’ve been hearing about these remarkable jeans that your daughter wouldn’t wear. Yeah, she wouldn’t wear them! She also wouldn’t wear pantaloons or moo-moos or dentures.

Yes, there were signs I missed on their website, which I guarantee you some one’s grand daughter designed.

The testimonials come from women with names like Barb, Joan and Prentiss even though everyone named Prentiss died before denim was invented.

One amazed fan writes, “They’re very comfy.” That’s the whole review! To defend the writer of this glowing endorsement, she may have gotten distracted because the nurse said it was time to take her pills then Maude wheeled in to her room with some juicy gossip she couldn’t remember.

But why was I so disappointed when I gazed at my body in the jeans my fictional daughter would ridicule behind my back which was covered in denim cut so high it practically touched my bra strap?

Because I still like to fuck…or make love depending on my mood.

Okay, I may just be having a bad reaction to jeans that don’t look good on me. At least it’s not while I’m in the store and in front of a sixteen-year-old sales girl at Forever 21(true story).

My ass is huge. It's a problem.

These jeans make me look tiny.

It doesn’t matter whether I wear Not Your Daughter’s Jeans or Dream Out Loud by Selena Gomez jeans (I do because I’m a dreamer with a budget). I’m still sexy and slightly unstable in a way that charms.

Prentiss, I take it back. I’m glad you’re comfy and still alive!

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I Still Hate Babies

I received yet another email regarding my post “I Hate Babies”. It is by far the nicest.

You kinda mean. Me too.

When I talk, you gonna hear some sh#t, Penelope.

“What the HELL is the matter with YOU, you disgusting pile of crap? How could you hate babies? I’m sorry, it’s just, OK, not everyone has to like babies, but I have NEVER met a person who ABSOLUTELY HATES THEM! Reading that post makes me sick to my stomach.”

I appreciate that the writer says, “I’m sorry”. That makes me think this message did not come from a baby because a baby would never apologize since they do not have language skills and are total dicks. They also don’t read, furthering my suspicion that it was not a baby who sent this angry note. They do whine a lot and sometimes they probably get sick to their stomachs but that is not enough for me to believe an infant wrote this.

Maybe I don’t hate babies…No wait, I think I do. Really they’re my least favorite form of person what with all their pooping, crying and busting out of women’s vaginas like it’s some kind of convenient baby door. Nothing 6-10 pounds should be coming out of there. I have one and it’s very small. Tiny. I pee steam. When I get hot, it whistles. True story.

Who planned for a live creature with a cartoonishly large cranium to burst through my lady parts like my labia are the doors to some ole timey saloon?

I’ll tell you who made that plan! God.

My bad. I don’t hate babies. I hate God. Now, every one feels good.

Mom is kinda ugly.

Do not put that diaper on me!

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S*#T That’s Art

I found this statue of a nail polish bottle on line…and it’s on sale for only 89.90!

Perfect gift for husband you hate!

I'm Fancy and Empty!


Or I could sell you the one I handmade. It says “Wet N Wild” on it and I’m only charging 89.00. That’s a saving of 90 cents.
When friends come to your soiree and see this genuine fake bottle of nail polish it will remind them how they really should’ve said they were busy.
No art says more artistic things about how super arty you are than this big fat statue of nail polish. Kim Kardashian registered for seven of these piles of excrement for her wedding. Klassy.
Imagine…Scents of formaldehyde and potentially unsanitary conditions will fill your head evoking memories of nail technicians who hated you in their own language so as to be discreet and still get a tip. Never forget!…Also, can be used to kill spiders.
"That is some bullsh*#t!"

Manicures - Not so fun for Venus.

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Crazy Aunt – Not Crazy Enough To Endorse Romney

The Annual Crazy Aunt Caucus made a barf sound when asked if they support Romney.

Must not sniff other candidates butts.

If I gives you healthcares can I get treet?

The group meets annually, or whenever they feel like it, usually at a petting zoo near a Chipotle.
Crazy Aunt and hottie, Penelope Lombard explained the gagging noises and giggles. “Romney just isn’t crazy enough. It wouldn’t be fun to tickle him and he’s never met a poor person he…Actually, I’ll just hold there. He’s never met a poor person.”
“All the Republican candidates are crazy but not in a good way. They’re crazy like a fox…Not the animal, the faux news network. We do like Ron Paul but not for President, just to hang with at the mall…maybe Ron and I go see the Transformers movie then afterward grab a hot chocolate at Gloria Jean’s and discuss the film like it was a documentary.”

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Top Stuff Parents Need To Stop Saying

1) “That’s weird! Alex never hits!”
Really? Because I know you gave him little boxing gloves for Christmas.

2) “Her teacher says Alabama is gifted!”
Then it’s even more weird that you named her Alabama, isn’t it?

3) “Listen! Ashley just learned to say ‘airplane’!”
Who taught her? A Yeti?

4) “If you can’t find something while we’re gone just ask Reese.”
Reese has the attention span of a 2 year old…because she’s 2. She won’t remember me tomorrow. She for sure doesn’t know where you keep the hard alcohol.

5) “Lulu doesn’t talk yet but she understands

It's me, Jesus.

FYI, those aren't chocolate eggs.

everything we say.”
I’m sure you’re right. But, just to test it why don’t you tell her to shit in the toilet from now on.

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My Podcast!

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My Friend David and I Are Raging

David Stephens is a writer who will be 24 next week and probably wants some gift that’s very youthful and cool that I never heard of. He’s a writer and fun and once again, he’s 24 and loves to hang out with me!

Grey's Anatomy - So Hilarious!

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